he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
