How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
