wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize