Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
