i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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