did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
