is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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