I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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