i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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