I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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