me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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