I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize