There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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