fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
