I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
