I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My liver just had a heart attack.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
