so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
