My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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