He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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