so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
