Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
