why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
