Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
