explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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