Just fell off a train. Bad.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
