you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
