hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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