He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize