i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
