Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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