I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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