they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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