I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Randomize
