Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
