We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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