I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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