Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
