Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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