I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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