Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
