guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
