Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
