i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
