If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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