He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
