And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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