i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
