I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
