how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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