Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
