I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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