it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
