I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
