Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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