he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
